I want love, but fear holds me back

Dear Pastor,

I am a daily reader of your column. Sometimes I buy THE STAR from the vendor, fold it up and put it in my bag, but I only read it when I go home in the evening and relax.

Sometimes I ask myself how you can find the time to answer all these problems that people write about.

I am 30 years old and I have one son. We live alone. When I met his father, I was 19. He told me that he did not have a girlfriend. I was very active in church. He started to attend church. I thought he was genuine. I did not know he was coming to church because he wanted to get me.

I was living with my parents at the time. My father told me that he did not like him because he did not see him as somebody who would settle down with me. He became a soldier. He was the first man for me.

As soon as I told him that the doctor confirmed that I was pregnant, he stopped attending church. I was ashamed to tell my parents that I got pregnant because I was involved in everything in the church. I was a Sunday school teacher. I was on the youth choir and everything.

The pastor's wife looked at me one day and said, "Sister, I did not know that you were a fornicator, but since you are pregnant, why don't you and the man get married?"

I loved the young man, but he was not interested in getting married to me. I was working in a hardware store. I did not know that he had another woman, who was a teacher. He got married to her while I was pregnant. It affected me. I became ill. He told some people from the church that he was not sure that the child I was carrying was his.

This man knew that he was the first man for me, and I did not have any other man. One day I was fortunate to get to talk to him. He told me I could not expect him to marry me because I was working in a hardware store and his other girlfriend was a teacher and he was a soldier. I asked him why he didn't tell me about her before, and he said these things happened.

He has never given me any money to support his child. I stopped attending church. After I had the baby, my parents took the child to church and blessed him. I went back to church after he was about three months old. I have not got involved with another man. I have met many of them, but it is so hard to believe these men.

My son is doing well in school. The first time he asked me about his father, I lied to him. However, my mother told me I should tell the boy the truth. So another time when we were talking about birthdays, I told him that his father was somewhere around, but he had never supported. My son asked why, but I did not have the courage to tell him that his father had disowned him. I told him I didm't know why he had not supported him, and he looked at me and said, "Mommy, I will support you when I grow up and start working."

Tears came to my eyes.

My father has given me a parcel of land. He said that he would assist me in building a house on the property for his grandson. I have not wasted my money. I am hoping that we can put a two-bedroom house on this land. I am trying to go back to school. Sometimes I do feel the need for a man, but I don't know who to trust, so I put all my energy into church work.

Recently, I met a man who came with a group from America to our church convention. We have been talking, and he is serious about me, but I am afraid. He is planning to come to Jamaica to visit me in January. I have not asked this man for any money. I am very comfortable, and the good Lord is meeting my needs. Sometimes when I really feel the need for a man, I take cold showers and anoint my body with olive oil and relax.

My child's father has two more children. He would not even call his son to wish him happy birthday. This boy is very close to his grandfather. I am glad that my father understands that I made a mistake. He has forgiven me for not listening to him.

H.

Dear H.,

I am glad that your son and you son are doing well. I know that you were shocked when this man, who was nothing but a deceiver, told you that he couldn't marry you. He said that if he did, he would be lowering his standard. When he deceived you, he was having a relationship with you not because of love but because he was able to use you.

I repeat: he was a deceiver.

He started to attend church with you, and he gave the impression that he would marry you, but after he got you pregnant, he dumped you, so to speak. You were not good enough for him. But the good Lord didn't dump you, and your parents stood with you.

I am glad that your father has offered you a piece of property that he bought. It is a gift for you and your son. I hope that your dad will do everything through a lawyer so that you will be able to borrow money to build on the land.

You have expressed how scared you are of men. You don't need to be scared because there are genuine men around. You need to be very careful because most of these men will sweet-talk you and lie to get under your skirt. However, there must be one who would truly love and respect you and accept your son as his own.

Perhaps this man who came down to your church for convention is the right man. Don't rush into anything. Don't hide anything from your daddy. He will be able to give you good advice. You are still a young woman, and you have a big future before you.

Try your best to go back to school. Write me back and tell me what progress you have made.

Pastor